Truth and Balance
by serensetaserpent
Summary: Kylo Ren and Rey have forged a connection that is strengthening over time. Rey is dissatisfied with all available teachings of the Force, and has decided to learn it on her own terms, the way she does everything else. Kylo, as always, is torn apart. Finn is unamused. Poe is Poe.
1. Chapter 1

He rocketed up from his bed, drenched in sweat, body still thrumming angrily in pain. He gritted his teeth against it-it wasn't his own. He could accept, even encourage his own pain, but he would not accept hers in this insufficient representation of empathy. He was not supposed to empathize.

Ben Solo would have accepted it, and tried to fix it. Fix her. But Kylo Ren refused.

Another blinding strike of pain ricocheted across his chest and down to his rib cage. He grunted in exertion, driving the pain back and desperately trying to sever their connection. It wasn't working-at least not well enough.

"Fuck." He groaned, inhaling deeply as it throbbed down his spine. He wanted it to stop, but didn't know what was happening to her, and it was hard to close their connection with this much pain rocketing through it. With a frustrated growl, he threw their connection wide open and peered through her eyes grudgingly.

For a moment, he couldn't see anything. When she opened her eyes he saw a doctor staring down at her worriedly. When she looked down at herself, her vision-and therefore his-was overtaken by red. He inhaled sharply, surprised. Jedi training at her level wasn't supposed to be violent. She had left Skywalker at some point, but he hadn't been consciously aware that she had joined the resistance—at least not in actual battles. That explained the irritation and frustration that he had received in random intervals. He sighed. _You're fighting with the resistance._ He stated to her. He could feel her start-he rarely tried to communicate with her through their bond. He had ignored it as often as possible until now.

 _Yes._

 _And you've been injured._

 _Yes._

 _Fantastic._ He snarled. He could hear her whimper as sharp pain coursed through her body.

 _I'm sorry._ The apology trembled in his mind. He frowned, annoyed.

 _For you, injuring me should be a positive byproduct._ He chastised her. _We don't like each other._

 _But we feel each other. And I, unlike you, don't like causing needless pain._

 _Snarky. You must be feeling better._

Another wave of pain course through them. _Decidedly not._

Kylo growled, severely tempted to take his saber to the walls of his quarters, hacking and slashing his ire into visible relief. But he refrained-that level of fury would harm her and, it seemed, would harm him in return.

 _Where are you?_ He demanded.

 _Not a chance, Ben._ She snapped. The doctor was attempting to mop up her blood-attempting to seal her wounds, but they weren't cooperating. He was watching, twitching with frustration as the incompetent woman attempted to fix Rey's broken body.

 _She can't do anything for you. Clearly. Tell me where you are._

 _So you can_ ** _heal_** _me?_ She snorted. _If I tell you where we are, you'll murder everyone. My pain doesn't matter. Your pain is unfortunate, but it also does not matter._

He stewed in his anger for a moment-watching the incompetence in front of him unfold. _Tell her to cauterize the wound. With your saber. Or a cautery, but I doubt she has one._

He felt anxiety stir in her stomach. _That doesn't sound pleasant._

 _At least then she'll be able to stop the bleeding and close your damn wounds. Do it. I have injuries of my own, I don't need yours, too._ He snapped.

"Cauterize it. My saber." She croaked at the doctor. The doctor regarded her with wide eyes.

"That will be very painful."

"Less painful than this, I should think. At least when it's cauterized I won't be bleeding."

After a moment's hesitation, she fetched Rey's lightsaber. "Are you ready?"

Kylo and Rey steeled themselves, and Rey nodded. The tip of the ignited saber was lowered to her chest and the piercing sound of Rey's screams ricocheted through the medical bay and Kylo's head. He dropped to his knees, clutching his chest harshly.

 _That_ ** _sucked_** _._ Rey groaned. Had it not been so painful, he would have laughed.

 _Are you okay?_ He asked without thinking. He stopped abruptly, realizing what he had asked. Rather-what Ben Solo had asked.

 _You're the second person to ever have asked me that._

 _Ever?_

 _Ever._

* * *

When she woke, the pain was dull-not sharp, but a hollow thudding when her heart beat. She sat up in the hospital bed and examined her surroundings and herself. They had managed to clean her up and she was covered in Bacta bandages. Her saber was delicately perched on a side table next to her. She felt alone. Completely alone. She couldn't feel Ren for the first time in months. Even as she tentatively reached out to touch their connection, it seemed like his side was completely blocked off.

She needed to learn how to do that. Even if she liked companionship, having Kylo Ren in her head was sure to cause problems eventually. So she _really_ needed to learn how to do that.

She had no one to teach her though. The only two people she knew that had a firm grasp on how to use the force were no longer options. She had left Luke Skywalker. The Jedi way was too contradictory. It preached peace knowledge, serenity and harmony, but stayed only in the light. It purged emotion. It was one side of a scale, yet the Jedi order were always perplexed when the scale tipped. It was irrational. For harmony there must be balance. For light to gain meaning, there must be dark.

The only practitioner of the dark side she knew was Kylo Ren, and he was out of the question too. So unstable that he had murdered his own father. His own lightsaber was unstable-crackling violently as though it was as torn as he was. Ren was not balanced, he was being torn apart. Against her will, she felt for him. Their connection had been slight when he had driven his saber through Han's chest, but it had certainly been there. He had been so sure that his path would be clear and resolute once Han was gone, but he only felt weaker and more polarized once his father had fallen. He had felt his mother's sorrow, his father's forgiveness, her own shock and horror, and his guilt, sadness and confusion. He had hoped that all he would feel was relief.

When Luke had been teaching her, he had told her that the dark side gathered power from anger, passion and pain. She had thought to when Kylo had cornered her and Finn and pounded on the wound that Chewbacca's bowcaster had ripped into his midsection. She had felt a pinch then-nothing serious. She knew that if he sustained the same injury now, she would have easily passed out from the pain. But he had driven his fist into it and gained power. It was terrifying, yes, and she could feel twinges of the pain he was inflicting upon himself. But it had been awe-inspiring in it's own right.

The fact remained though, that he had also decided that the dark was the only path. There was no balance to be maintained. Luke and Ren were opposites, and she didn't want to learn from either. She wanted balance.

So she had returned to the Resistance.

She was starting to think that was a mistake, too. A stormtrooper who had lost his weapon had picked up a piece of jagged iron sheeting that had been blown from a nearby structure and caught her full in the chest. Then, he had roughly shoved his knee into her ribs. It had hurt like murder. A few moments later, it was even worse. The ridiculous bond she shared with Kylo Ren was suddenly crippling. Where they had mentally or verbally sparred before, she was sure they were killing each other now. Even worse, it was completely by accident.

It echoed and amplified between them-the intense pain charging through them like feedback through a commlink. It was devastating.

She had to (grudgingly) admit that his suggestion had been a good one. It had hurt a _lot_ , but now that the pain was gone and she hadn't bled out, she found herself rather grateful for the battle worn dipshit's advice.

 _Dipshit?_

"Kriff." She swore. _I didn't know you were there._

 _I wasn't. Until you called me a battle-worn dipshit. That was rude and infantile._

 _I'm_ _rude and infantile?_ She snarled. She wanted to slam a door in his face. And suddenly, it was silent. "Oh. Well. That was easy." She chuckled. She half expected him to tug on their connection so that they could finish their argument, but he left it alone. She figured he was relieved to not have to interact with her, so she settled back into the sheets, the tightness in her chest becoming just a shade too sharp.

She closed her eyes, but did not sleep. She listened intently to her breath, deeply appreciating the fact that she was still alive. She just sat and felt her lungs inflate and deflate steadily for an hour before Finn came to see her.

As soon as he entered the room, he fixed her with a disapproving stare.

" _Cauterize the wound with my lightsaber._ " He snapped. "Of _all_ the ridiculous and bravado packed suggestions you could have suggested, you chose ' _Cauterize the wound with my lightsaber'_?"

"I don't think I used that many words."

"Rey."

"Finn."

"Poe!" The pilot smirked as he strode in. "I thought I'd let him get the heft of his irritation out of his system before I joined you. He hasn't shut up since you passed out."

"How long-"

"Two days." Finn snapped again. She grimaced.

"Not good."

"You lost a lot of blood." Poe offered. Finn gave an irritated snort.

"Which is why I asked her to cauterize it…"

"WITH your LIGHTSABER."

"Stop yelling." She groaned, closing her eyes. She hated arguments that she couldn't stand up and walk out of. Or punch and kick her way out of. "Stopping the bleeding was a good idea, and it was completely necessary. She didn't have a cautery—not even the old metal kind. It wasn't bravado. I didn't realize the doctor was going to tell the entire base about it."

Finn sighed tiredly, slumping indelicately into a chair next to her bed. "It was a good idea." He admitted begrudgingly. She held back a chuckle, thinking of what his reaction would be if he knew who he was complimenting. "I just don't like the idea of you in pain."

"We're at war. There's going to be pain."

"Physical and emotional. I know. No need to roll out the speech again." He rolled his eyes.

Just a few months earlier, she had laid into Finn for complaining about the death toll and the injuries. ' _Think of General Organa!'_ She had snarled. ' _The evil she's fighting is her son. She has to pray every day that her son doesn't murder her fighters the way he murdered her husband. His own father. And she has to remember the fact that her SON is the person that her people want to obliterate. She has to hope. Do you know how painful it must be for her to know that beneath that murderer, Ben Solo is alive? And hope with_ ** _everything_** _she has that he'll come home? Hope is painful. Freedom is painful. The fight is painful. Get the fuck over yourself._ '

And she had stormed away. The entire time, guilt had been stabbing through her core and sadness weighing down her arms and chest. And rage, too, for allowing that emotion to surface. For a moment she had thought it was her own, but it was deeper and more absolute, and had surfaced only at the mention of General Organa's plight. That was when she realized the extent of her connection to Kylo Ren.

From that moment, she had become guarded. Only telling half-truths and only paying half attention to the world around her for fear that he would somehow slip past her barriers and glean knowledge of the Resistance's plans.

In strategy sessions, she kept her face away from the holoprojector and stared resolutely at walls, checking every few moments to see if he was listening. Fortunately, he gave up trying to listen after only a few tries. Still, she remained vigilant.

His fury-his raw rage would surface in random intervals. The clawing, burning monster that came alive in his chest, and therefore hers. Although, while it ignited him, it suffocated her. She supposed he felt that suffocation because as time went on, the rage subsided more quickly.

When she was training-teaching herself to use the Force, he would unhelpfully interject. _You need to move your foot inwards. Your grip is too slack. Your grip is too tight. Your grip is lopsided. Your center of balance is off._ And so it went.

He hated it when she spent time with Finn. Finn, Poe, General Organa and Luke had no idea that she was connected to him. Therefore they were freely vocal about their distaste for the First Order. Finn was particularly vocal about his distaste for Ren.

Sometimes-not often-she tried to peer back at him. When she was bored or curious. When an emotion that she knew wasn't hers would pop up in her consciousness. Sometimes she managed to see Hux mocking him. Belittling him. Those moments, she wasn't sure if her ire was only his, or if she shared it. She may not like him, but he was not to be belittled. He was powerful. He was awe-inspiring. Other times, it was sorrow. Those times, he was meditating. Drawing his pain to his body and fortifying it within himself. _Why do you do that?_

 _Are you asking me to teach you?_ He had murmured back.

 _Absolutely not._

He sighed. _Peace is a lie. There is only passion. Pain is a form of passion. It draws you away from so-called serenity and sets your nerves alight. It can be focused or it can be raw, but either way it can be channeled._ He smirked. _I like it raw. I like feeling it surge and snap._

 _Seems unbalanced._ She sighed. _Unhinged._

 _It's all I have._

That had been the second time they spoke (and the first had not gone well). It was well after she had decided to leave Luke's care, and so she understood. Peace and serenity were a lot to ask for. But so were unfettered rage and passion. Sometimes when she felt him, he ripped her nerves raw.

Poe and Finn were watching her quietly, unsure of what to say. She was lying in her bed, head tilted slightly back with a whisper of a frown on her face. Very occasionally, when she reached out to him she felt something different. When she was in pain, when she was frustrated, when she wanted to lash out; he reassured her and she would relapse to peace. She supposed that he meant that pain and irritation were okay, and that they should be fortified, but she took it to mean that she could feel however she wanted and as long as she maintained control she would be alright. Her interpretation irked him, yes, but it also brought him relief.

But he was hardly there now. She had, after all, slammed the door in his face. And he was probably planning something terrible, not waiting for her to mentally stroke him. She would have to deal with Finn's haranguing by herself.

"You've been acting different." Finn said suddenly. Her eyes snapped open.

"Different how?"

"Different. You always feel like you're somewhere else. Especially since you left Skywalker."

"Oh. I know. I've had a lot to think about."

"Like?" Poe prompted. She shook her head.

"How I'm going to learn about the force if I don't agree with the way it's being taught? What Kylo Ren is planning next? Am I enough to stop him or bring him back?" She felt a jolt of surprise. _What?_ She barked.

 _Bring me back?_

 _None of your business._

 _I vehemently disagree._

 _Too bad, Darth Tantrum._

He spluttered. She didn't slam the door on him, but she minimized their connection drastically.

"Bring him back?" Finn spluttered. Rey snorted. The men in her life were similar and predictable.

"He's either Kylo Ren or he's Ben Solo. Well...he _will_ be. Right now there's both. But eventually one needs to be snuffed out. I'm hoping Ben will survive."

Poe looked alarmed, but didn't say anything. "He's beyond saving." Finn snarled.

"He's not." Rey insisted. Poe looked doubtful, but Finn looked incensed. Before he opened his mouth to speak, she interjected: "I've had a lot more face time with him than either of you. I've seen Kylo Ren, but I've _felt_ Ben Solo." She sighed. "Tangibly."

On the other side of their connection (which Ren had apparently decided not to close) she felt anger. It clawed its way into her chest, adamantly stating that Ben Solo would _not_ survive. She had a feeling that he would be destroying something in mere moments, but the fact remained. He only tried so hard to prove that he was fully dark because there was still light clawing at him, stronger even than when his father had stood before him, pleading with him to come home.

"It's not there. I was there when he ordered the indiscriminate slaughter of an entire village on Jakku. He tortured Poe. He **killed** his **father**. He tried to kill _us_. He stood by and watched the destruction of an entire planetary system." Finn's ire was building.

"If you're going to fight me on this, you can leave. I had a rusty piece of sheet metal driven through my sternum. My discomfort currently takes precedent over yours." She snapped. She had been snapping a lot recently.

Finn looked wounded. Poe looked uncomfortable but unsurprised. Ren felt satisfied-pleased, even. And so she felt guilty. As Finn turned to walk out, she stopped him. "I can feel him."

He stopped-rigidly still. "What?"

"That's part of why I've been acting different. I can feel him. His emotions. I can feel when he's in pain; I can feel when he's angry. I can feel when he's guilty and frustrated and nervous and sad." She swallowed thickly. "It's making me raw."

He stood, thinking. Then, after a moment: "Just because he can be redeemed, doesn't mean he deserves it." And he left.

Rey felt like crying, but she didn't really do that. She shut the door on Ren completely, not wanting to feel his satisfaction that someone recognized him as truly dark. Nor did she want to feel his satisfaction that the former Stormtrooper had left.

"So what are you going to do?" Poe asked after a long while.

"I have no idea."


	2. Chapter 2

Against her wishes, the answer didn't just **come** to her. In fact, it seemed to get father away. Most days, she didn't even **want** to save Ben Solo from Kylo Ren. She wanted to give him a firm punch in the teeth.

When she thought things like that, she could feel a hand ghosting over her face in the same place where she'd left a deep and marring scar on his. She'd feel her anger ebb away for a moment before realizing that was exactly his intention. Then she would furiously imagine how well his broken teeth would match his fucked up face.

She tried her best not to talk to him. She spent an unsettling amount of time with Poe, but at least he made her smile. He was her friend, as was Finn. It was a strange feeling, having something more affectionate than suspicious companionship.

 _I'm glad to see that we seem to agree about something._ A gruff protrusion into her mind. She flinched, and Poe's face tightened.

"I'll see you later?" He asked quietly. She nodded stiffly, clambering up from her seat and heading resolutely for her quarters.

 _It's not like I can tell where you are from inside the base._ He grumbled tiredly. _I'm not even looking._

 _Why are you here?_ She asked stiffly. _You can keep the connection closed. Why are you here if you're not trying to find us?_

 _Not sure._ He grunted. She glanced at him. She was walking, but he was reclined in bed. Not wearing a shirt. She averted her eyes quickly, but he didn't notice. He wasn't even looking at her. His eyes were closed.

 _Taking a nap?_ She asked, amused. _How human of you._

 _I_ _ **am**_ _human, you know._ He snorted, finally cracking an eye to peer at her.

 _Hm. Anyways, how would you know anything beyond suspicious companionship?_ She acidly jibed. He raised an unimpressed eyebrow. _I hope you don't mean me._ She snorted. _Because I'm not only suspicious, I'm downright unwilling._

He scoffed. _You can block the bond, too. You don't unless you're in the middle of something important._

 _It wears me out. I'm..._ There was a sour taste in her mouth. _I'm not as strong as you are._

 _That won't be true for long._ There was a sort of bitter pride to his tone. _You're progressing quickly._

 _Well if you're bitter about it, stop giving me pointers when I train. In fact, butt out entirely._

 _It's just so painful to watch you butcher sacred sword forms._ He smirked. She scowled. _In any case, I've given up on trying to see what you're doing when you're doing things you don't want me to know about. But you're right, it's draining to keep the bond sealed off. I prefer to let it be._

 _That's why you keep it open?_ She chuckled. _Because it's too much effort to keep it closed?_

He shrugged, eyeing her. She shifted uncomfortably. _How's your chest?_

Her eyebrows shot upwards, but she could already feel his irritation. _It's alright to feel concern for others, you know._ She chortled.

 _Not for my enemies. In fact, not for anyone._ He shook his head, as though trying to clear something from it. _Caring is weakness._

 _Sounds lonely._

 _If loneliness is the price I pay for power–to achieve my purpose, I'll take it. It's nothing new._

She gazed at him sadly. _Having been lonely all my life, and having friends now...people who care for me, and who I care for in return...I can objectively tell you you're wrong._

 _I cared for people. Loved them, even._ He reminded her coldly. _If you don't care, it doesn't hurt when they let you down._

 _How did your parents let you down?_ She asked seriously. It wasn't meant as a jab, or a sting. Something had made him turn on the people he loved, and if Ben Solo was ever going to see the light again, she needed to know how Kylo Ren threw him into an abyss. _Your mother loves you._

 _I've already heard your diatribe about General Organa's trials and tribulations._ He snapped. She pursed her lips. _I know she loves me. But she was always too busy for me. I'd be surprised if she even felt my absence when she sent me to study with Skywalker. Han Solo was absent as well. Even when he was nearby, he was working on the Falcon, or dreaming of the next system he would explore. He could barely look at me once I started training. He was terrified that I would turn out like Darth Vader. The possibility itself drove my parents apart. I know he loved me too. But neither of them loved me enough to be there when I needed them._

 _And Master Skywalker?_ She prodded. A furious sneer etched itself into his face, contorting nastily.

 _You still call him Master? He doesn't deserve the word. Be glad you rid yourself of his influence before he destroyed you._

 _What do you mean?_

 _If you ever see him again, ask him what he did to me. Then you can ask me why I choose to detach myself._

 _Or_ _ **you**_ _could tell me._

He stood from the bed, stalking towards her. _No. I won't expose myself to you and have you call me a liar. You can ask your precious mentor, and get the truth from him._

She stood her ground, even though they were now so close that she could see that his eyes were brown—not black. _If you despise attachment so much, this bond must be a true curse for you._

 _It is._

 _Then why don't you close it?_

 _You're not worth the extra effort._ He sneered. She jolted, hurt, and threw up a wall against their bond, shutting him out. She wasn't sure why it had bothered her. She knew he hated her, and she'd heard that from others before. Perhaps she'd hoped that she'd never hear it from him.

* * *

His voice woke her in the middle of the night.

 _It's more than that._ He admitted sourly. She frowned, cracking an eye open. Apparently she couldn't block him out while she slept. He was sitting on the edge of her bed.

 _What are you talking about?_ She asked blearily. _What's more than that? The reason you don't cut off our bond?_

Anger bubbled up in her chest, but it wasn't hers. And it wasn't...fury. It was frustration. Agitation. Burning, but not as bright as she'd become accustomed to. _I feel hollow and lost._ He sneered.

She squinted at him, confused. _And you think that peering in on my life and making commentary on my friends and my training regimen will make you feel fulfilled and found?_ There was a note of incredulity.

 _You misunderstand._ He shook his head. His next words were spoken aloud, and they boomed in her mind and echoed with truth. "When I can't feel you, I feel empty and purposeless. Incomplete." Her stomach dropped to her knees and her lungs tightened.

"Your entire existence should make you feel that way." She intoned coldly. His jaw twitched.

"It does. It has." He said monotonously. His eyes were blank. "I hate everything you stand for. I hate the Jedi…"

"I'm not a Jedi."

"I hate Luke Skywalker…"

"I _left_ him."

"I despise the New Republic…"

" _How_ do I stand for _them_? I'm not a kriffing politician!"

"And you have faith in everyone until they prove you wrong. You're too good." He sneered.

"The first time I met Finn, I hit him in the face with a quarterstaff." She intoned dully. Was this the impression she'd given him? That she was some sort of mascot for the Resistance?

"But the first time we fought...I felt peace for the first time since I left Skywalker's care." He admitted quietly, dark eyes boring holes in her. "Not just peace, either. I felt whole." He looked sick to his stomach for telling her this. She had a sinking feeling it meant that he was telling the truth. "Seeing you...feeling you...it's soothing. I don't feel fractured. Furious, sure, but focused and rational." He shook his head. "Like there's been this...veil over me that's shrouded me from seeing things as they are. I hate the things I hate, but…" He shrugged.

"But what?"

He caught her eyes again, a furiously passionate but utterly unintelligible look in his eyes. "I'm not hollow, following orders in search of promises kept. When I feel you, I don't feel like ripping myself apart and taking the galaxy with me." His voice was hoarse now, rough with something raw. **Desperation.** Her heart was in her throat, and his desperation clawed at their chests.

 _How long have you felt this way?_

 _The whole time._ He growled. _Every kriffing moment that this damnable bond has existed, you've been rattling around my skull and twisting everything._ He tore his gaze from her furiously. _What's worse, you seem to be unaffected beyond annoyance._

Her mouth fell open. _Unaffected?_ He winced at the sudden increase in volume, especially since it was rattling around in his skull instead of permeating the room. _Yes, it's bloody irritating to have to keep my eyes shut whenever I walk outside of the base just in case you try to skip through the periphery,_ He snorted. As if he would ever **skip** _ **.**_ _But it's like I said earlier. I'd been alone for so long...even if you don't care about me, I can't deny that having you with me makes me feel calm. That even though I'm terrified of you, at least I'm not alone. That I have a place in all this, beyond scavenging scrap for quarter portions and waiting for people who will never come. I had disconnected myself from everyone—I couldn't trust any of them. And I don't trust you, but I can't hide from you either. When you're here, I don't feel cold, or lonely, or broken, or useless. I feel powerful, and I see my potential. It's just a shadow when you're blocked off. You make me raw where everything was numb. Your presence...I don't just want to survive, I want to thrive._

He was staring at her, unabashed, and she flushed furiously. She hadn't meant to say so much, and hadn't meant to tell him the depth of her attachment to their connection. But the bond had done that for her—her emotions resonating erratically between them. _That...sounds astonishingly close to dark. Not quite, but—_ he broke off, contemplative. He didn't look pleased, either. He looked conflicted.

 _I thought that would please you. To hear that I'm edging closer to darkness. Isn't that what you wanted?_ She asked bitterly. His brow furrowed, but he didn't answer. His answer should be yes, but there was something perverse about the thought of her wielding the dark side of the force.

 _I need to go._ He said abruptly, standing.

"Wait!" She cried aloud. She felt too raw—too vulnerable for him to cut her off now. He halted. _Sorry. Go if you need to._

She felt his unease palpably, swimming in her skull. _I need to figure something out._ He told her stiffly. _I can't let you see where I'm going. But like I said. I can't much stand to be apart from you for long._

She felt numb when he blocked her out. The bond had only gotten stronger since he advised her to cauterize her wound. They'd rarely talk aside from snide comments, but he was a flame when she felt numb and she was a balm when he felt raw. They'd only been blocking each other out of necessity.

After some time, she forced herself back into an uneasy sleep.

* * *

"You look like hell." Finn grunted a greeting over breakfast the next morning, sliding into the seat across from her with a tray of rations. She was picking at her own, eyelids heavy.

"Thanks." She grunted sarcastically.

"Relentless evil keeping you up late?" He asked, only somewhat snide. She shot him an irritated look.

"I had trouble sleeping."

"Planning to convert mass murderers to the light will do that."

"Stop patronizing me." She snapped, eyes flashing. "I get it, you think he's irredeemable. You keep on antagonizing me, you will be too."

He blanched. "I'm just trying to look out for you."

"I've been looking after myself since I was a child. I don't need for you to look out for me, I need you to support me. I'm not trying to bring him back—I don't even know if I _can_. But if I decide to pursue it, that's my choice." She told him coldly. "You can sit here if you don't bring up Kylo Ren."

"Fine." He growled, but he remained in place.

"Man, you two are loud." Poe muttered. "Luckily it's the ass crack of dawn and no one is awake to hear you talking about communicating with Kylo Ren."

Finn glanced at her expectantly. "Aren't you going to kick him off the table?" He demanded when all she did was roll her eyes.

"No. He hasn't been giving me grief for weeks for something I can't control. _And_ , hasn't been mocking me for hoping that someone might be salvageable."

 _I'm not a piece of scrap metal you can pry off an Imperial Starship._ Kylo Ren's voice curled into her mind, but she ignored him. _You can't scrub me clean and trade me for sustenance._

 _Shut it._

 _Not what you said last night._

 _For fuck's sake!_

"Well it's not like I'm fond of the guy. But between you and General Organa, you have enough hope to turn Snoke into a porg, so…" Poe shrugged and Rey smirked as Kylo Ren choked on a startled guffaw.

 _You think my friends are funny!_

 _I think it's funny that you've managed to convince someone that Ben Solo still exists somewhere within me._

 _I think it's funny that you don't think that I was speaking to Ben Solo last night._ She shot back. He scowled. _Ben is stronger than I think you've realized. Maybe more than I've realized._

 _You're insane._

 _You've mentioned that. Or...maybe Finn mentioned that? Someone's certainly mentioned that. But I would never have asked Kylo Ren to stay._

 _Don't be ridiculous._

"Even if Snoke did turn into a porg, Kylo Ren still wiped out an entire planetary system."

"You've said that before, Finn." Rey uttered tiredly. "Do you have a new argument?" _I'm not being ridiculous. You're entrenched in the dark side, but Kylo Ren makes me feel like tearing my skin off. Ben Solo makes me feel alive. I can tell the difference, even if you can't. Even if it's miniscule. You're in there, Ben. I don't know if I can pull you out, but I know you're there._

 _He's not there._

 _Yes, you are._

 _I swear on the entire galaxy, I'll shut you out._

 _You're the one who came back._ He fell silent at that. _I thought so._

 _Because I told you._ He snorted. _My first mistake._

 _First? Try millionth._ She huffed.

Poe was studying her. She pursed her lips. _You shouldn't have told them._

 _They're my friends._

 _You still shouldn't have told them._

"It's more than just feelings, isn't it." It wasn't a question. Poe's statement was quiet, and Rey's eyes darted to Finn, just to find him missing. "He left. He didn't have a new argument. He's over there." He jammed his thumb over his shoulder.

Rey worried her lip with her teeth. She could feel him in her mind, flitting on the other side of their bond, but he'd been momentarily distracted. "This bond, it's...strong. And growing stronger." Poe's eyes widened, concerned, but she shook her head. "He doesn't hurt me. We can block each other out. Most of the time, we don't talk. But we can. Talk, I mean. We talked last night. He's actually helped with my saber skills. The lightsaber cautery was his idea." She admitted. "We can feel each other. Not just emotions, but physical pain. It's like we're being drawn closer together, and the closer I get, the more human he becomes."

A tiny tug of disapproval. She ignored it.

"What if he uses the bond against you?" Poe asked.

"Until it's parasitic, it's symbiotic." Rey assured him. "And once it's parasitic, I'll keep my guard up. I'll start searching for ways to sever it, just in case."

A sharper tug of disapproval. She ignored that, too.

"I trust you." Poe assured her. "That doesn't mean I'm not worried."

She smiled softly at him. "I'll tell you if something's wrong. But so far, it's fairly benign. Well, as benign as having an enemy prowling around your head can be." She conceded. This time, the tug was a tug of amusement.

 _Symbiotic enemies. What a notion._

 _An enemy to the resistance, Ben. Not to me._ She taunted.

 _You're insufferable._

 _Yet, you suffer me._ She told him cheerily.

 _You may have a point about the symbiosis, though._ He conceded, ignoring her self-satisfaction and clear delusions.

 _What do you mean?_

 _I'm still researching. If it concerns you, I'll let you know._

 _Or you could let me know, and_ ** _I'll_** _decide if it concerns me._

 _I hope you choke on your breakfast._

 _I hope you choke on your attitude._

He went silent after that. For hours. She was accustomed to his mood swings by now, so she merrily made her way to the empty room that General Organa had made available for her training.

Her wounds had healed considerably in a short amount of time, her skin stitching itself together with a merciful swiftness that astounded her. She'd been injured plenty in her life. Her time as a scavenger was littered with near misses, particularly within the bellies of Star Destroyers. This, her deepest wound to date, had taken less time to heal than all of them.

She ignited the pale blue lightsaber, and immediately moved through her stances and drills. She lost herself in movement and sensation, feeling the Force thrumming around her. Hours later, she was dripping with sweat, and she folded herself into a sitting position with her legs crossed and eyes closed.

Meditation was paramount to mastering the Force, no matter what kind of practitioner you were. She'd given up on using meditation to push aside emotion. She was tethered to an emotional shock baton, so it was truly futile. Instead, she focused on connection—feeling everything in the room and the base beyond, and how the Force held it together. It flowed constantly, like a river or the wind, constantly shifting and thrumming and flashing and casting shadows. The reality of the Force in all things was a truth that she chased relentlessly. It was to be wielded, to be felt, to be revered.

 _What is that_? He asked quietly.

 _What?_ She asked, exasperated. _Can't I meditate in peace? I let you meditate in peace._

 _I felt something. Just there, when you extended yourself. You're not using Jedi meditation practices._

 _I'm not Jedi._ She reminded him blandly.

 _But you were trained by one._ He argued.

 _Can you go?_

 _No._ He insisted. _There was something there. I've only felt that once, and I was still a padawan._

 _Peace?_

 _No._

 _Um...Look, I really don't know…_

 _Truth. Balance._ He barked. _All of the galaxy and what holds it together._

She paused, breathless. _You've felt it before._

 _Long ago._ He murmured thoughtfully.

They fell silent, and in the back of her mind she felt him fold his body into a seated position, legs crossed like hers. _We're going to meditate together?_ She asked, something like fond amusement seeping into her voice.

 _Just for a moment. If you don't mind. It's been too long since I've meditated and felt anything akin to peace...or quiet._ His voice was tinged with longing.

She said nothing else, simply closing her eyes. She stretched herself out, to feel that connection to the Force, and wasn't disappointed. It rose to meet her, thrumming in everything and filling her entirely. Cautiously, she tugged on her connection to _him_ , pulling the threads that wove them together closer, and wrapping them in the currents that flowed around her.

He felt it then. A thrumming ebb and flow that lit the dark and cast shadows in the light—that wrapped itself around hearts and lungs and was instrumental in their palpations. It secured boulders to forest floors and held up trees as tall as the sky, weaving together everything and holding it together, while constantly moving itself. She felt him seep into it as soon as he felt it. It was a hot, burning feeling. He felt like a flood of fire, but he cooled within the currents and sighed in relief.

They stayed there longer than either of them intended, bathing in each other's presence and sharing passion, peace and connection. She tugged on the connection a long while later, not wanting to rip him out of something so delicate and good. He tugged back, though she could feel his reluctance crawling up her own skin.

 _The research I did earlier today._ He spoke first. _Ancient texts that I salvaged...that I keep hidden. They talk about the will of the Force, and the nature of the Balance between light and dark._

 _And what does it say?_

 _There cannot be one without the other. And when there is too much of one, the Force will create what it needs to correct the imbalance._ He cast his eyes down, fists clenched. For the first time, though, the frustration and rage were…normal. He wasn't flashing out of control. Instead of the malcontent of thousands, he held only the malcontent of one. _It's not much, but...I think you are what the Force created to correct for me._ There was an edge of bitterness. _I don't understand why it decided to pursue it like this. Making me reliant on you instead of having you kill me._

 _It's like you said._ She murmured, soft awe and realization creeping into her voice. _There cannot be one without the other._

 _But you—_ He shook his head. _All you do is pull me into the light._

She raised an unimpressed eyebrow. _All you do is rip my nerves raw, tugging me into darkness._ She sniffed. _You don't think there's significance to that?_

He frowned at her. Then, abruptly, he straightened. "What are you doing here?" He snapped.

"The Supreme Leader requires your presence." A haughty, nasal voice sneered from somewhere behind her. She whipped around, and could see everything. In front of her was a tall, pale, redheaded man with a glare brimming with hatred affixed to his unpleasant face.

"I'll be there shortly."

"Your failures have shortened your leash, Ren." Admiral Hux crowed. "He asked for you now, and you're to go to him immediately. He made himself clear."

Dread pooled in her stomach. Kylo Ren was resolutely not meeting her eyes. What she'd done to him...it had consequences.

Rey frowned, but he was gone. The air was empty around her, like the Force itself had left a hole where Ben—Kylo Ren— was supposed to be. She stood, shaking her head. He was refusing to see anything beyond what he'd been taught...no, brainwashed into, and she was too unlearned to see clearly. He had access to millenia of information, and she only had the Force itself, yet he was the one refusing to search. Refusing to see.

Her stomach growled ferociously and she looked down at it, frowning. She'd eaten so recently...hadn't she? Glancing at the monitor pad, her eyebrows shot up. She'd been in here for hours, just sitting with him. Still, it was remarkable how quickly the body became accustomed to having a proper amount of food. Regular meals were a luxury on Jakku and she'd known not to expect them. Now, her stomach was like a timer. It hailed her three times a day to remind her that she'd likely never be able to re-acclimate to Jakku or their predatory way of life. She could never truly go back. Not for long.

She traipsed out of the training room and walked straight into Finn and Poe, who'd been on their way to her. "You've almost missed lunch. It's not like you."

"I was meditating and lost track of time." She told them honestly. They started walking towards their ramshackle mess hall. Their accomodations were sparse. They'd opted to spend their limited funds on sustenance, firepower and machinery rather than shelter. She couldn't say she disagreed with the choice. "Ever since I left Luke, I've been searching for my own path." They nodded. They knew this. She'd mentioned her disappointment with the Jedi teachings. "I don't believe that the kind of Peace that the Jedi dictate exists. Detachment is this weird figment of their creation, and I don't know where it came from. Honestly, I wish I'd stayed longer just so that I could have read more of the ancient texts. All I can really do is meditate until I find something to point me in the right direction."

"And today…" Poe prompted.

"Today brought me closer." She admitted, a small smile tickling the corners of her mouth. "I've come to understand certain ineffable truths. Well...understand might be a stretch. But I know they're there."

"Like what?" Finn asked. She stared at him, nibbling her lip in thought and trying to find the best way to explain.

"What happens when you light a candle?" She asked. Her boys glanced at each other, eyebrows raised.

"You create light?" Poe guessed. She could tell that he thought the answer was stupid, but she nodded enthusiastically.

"You do! But what else?" They just stared at her, at a loss for words. "Picture a dark room. You light a candle. Maybe you light a hundred. What do you see?" She explained.

"Light flickering on the walls?" Poe tried again. She gestured for him to keep going. "A sort of orange tint…"

"And between the flickering light?"

"It casts shadows." Finn muttered suddenly. "The light can't reach every space. It casts shadows."

"Exactly."

"So light can't exist without dark, but dark can consume everything? Sounds depressing." Finn mumbled.

"There's more. When the sun goes down, what happens?" She asked them excitedly. Poe was staring at her like she was either brilliant and he hadn't seen it yet, or she was absolutely insane.

"It gets dark. Difficult to see." Finn played along, and Poe nodded, humoring her. Her eyes twinkled.

"And then?" They shrugged, clearly not following her. She chuckled. "Do it again. Pretend it's night, and that it just fell totally dark. What can you see when it's completely dark outside?"

Poe froze. "Stars."

She smiled brilliantly. "There are some kinds of light you can _only_ see when it's dark. Light that's more pure, and untainted—natural and free."

"So you're saying—and correct me if I'm wrong—that you can't create light without creating dark, and even in the dark there's some light." She nodded, pleased that she'd explained herself.

"That's not entirely true though. You can create pure light, and you can be in literal total darkness."

"The point isn't that total light and total darkness are possible. The point is that those two polar opposites aren't _desirable_. It's imbalanced. The Jedi order is like locking yourself in a solitary white-walled room with an amplified arc light. The dark side—the Sith—is like turning all of your hatred and anger into this big stupid black box, throwing it into an abyss and sitting there forever."

Finn snorted. "I know which one I'd choose."

"Do you?" She asked. "Consider this...that light room. You're not allowed to form attachments to anyone. You're not allowed to love, or feel any sort of passion, or seek any sort of relief from the blinding white light all around you. You have to accept it and, for the most part, remain alone." His brow furrowed. "They put you in that room when you're a child, ideally. Before you can learn to love your parents, or hope for greatness. It's just you and that room until the day you die. The darkness...even though it's constraining, the walls aren't solid. You can connect to people outside those walls, and feel passion enough to fuel them. You can love someone enough to fear their loss with your entire soul. You can have expectations enough to feel pain when you're let down." She shook her head. "I've been alone all my life, but now that I have you two...I have you. And General Organa. And, to some degree, Luke. I would mourn you, if you died. You came back for me, and we've healed together. You're a part of me now, and the addition of you has made me to big for that white room."

Finn and Poe blushed awkwardly, casting their eyes down and away respectively with matching affectionate smiles. "Yeah, so no Jedi Order for you." Poe stated gruffly. "You're stuck with us."

They sat there for a moment, smiling at each other affectionately as her two dearest friends absorbed her words.

"So…" Finn started slowly. She turned to him. "Your meditations are seeking...what exactly? It sounds like you already know your path."

She pursed her lips. "Sort of. It's a little abstract. It's treacherous, you know? I...before I go further, I want to know how to keep myself from slipping. In either direction. The dark is seductive, after all. I've seen it for myself. In abandoning all darkness and seeking only peace, the Jedi created a code. The Sith created one in response, espousing darkness. I want to create one for myself." She bit her lip, knowing that what came next could displease her friends. "And for him. For Kylo Ren."

Finn dropped his forehead to the table with a hard smack. "What the f—"

"He thinks—and he told me this—that the Force creates what it needs to maintain balance." She told him quickly, slightly worried for his forehead. She felt a violent yank on their bond. He didn't want her to tell them what he'd said. She sent him something back—a small flutter of reassurance—before closing their connection with (if it had been a door) a gentle _click_.

"So he's dark and you're light?" Poe guessed. "Doesn't that seem a little...um…"

"Patricidal maniac justification-like?" Finn grunted.

"I was going to say...obvious. Or simplistic. I was deciding which one made more sense when he interrupted me." Poe smiled.

"It does. And I don't think he can stay where he is on theoretical spectrum if this is going to work. That's why I've been hoping so _hard_ that he's still got more Ben Solo in him."

Poe nodded, comprehension slowly washing over him. "Well I honestly don't know. He's...I don't know. I a little unhinged. But if you find it, I'll trust you. And help you. Obviously."

Finn glanced between them, and smacked his head down on the table once more. "We're all gonna die."


End file.
